Men suffer abuse...

Yes, men and boys suffer from domestic violence and sexual abuse, too.

Is this your home? If any of the following things have happened to you, you are a man experiencing domestic abuse. If several of the things are happening you are in severe danger.

Do you:

Change your behavior because you are afraid that violence might result if you don't? Often feel you are "walking on eggshells"? Feel that no matter what you do, you can't do anything right? Does your partner often tell you this, or that you are worthless, unattractive? That no one else would want you or put up with you?

Does your partner:

  • Hurt (or threaten to hurt) you or your children?

  • Abuse drugs?

  • Become out of control, get extremely angry, then try to make up afterwards by apologizing and making promises?

  • Do you constantly worry about the "next time"?

  • Try to keep you from getting medical help?

  • Prevent you from sleeping at night?

  • Are you worried about being attacked in your sleep?

  • Ever deliberately destroy or damage something of value to you?

  • Throw things at you or break objects during an argument?

  • Show signs of extreme jealousy by constantly checking up on you?

  • Accusing you unjustly of flirting with others or having affairs?

  • Is it hard for you to maintain relationships with others because your partner doesn't approve of them?

  • Ever make you have sex, or make you do things during sex that are unwanted?

  • Sometimes spend large sums of money and refuse to tell you what the money was spent on?

  • Do you know where the family's assets are and where important records are kept?

  • If you wanted to know, would your partner make it difficult for you to find out?

  • Ever kick you in the testicles?

  • Ever bite you, hit you with a hard object, scratch you, slap you, hit you with a fist, throw hard objects at you, or threaten you with a knife or gun?

  • Frequently threaten you with never seeing your children again if you leave, because "women always get custody"?

How men cope

Taking a macho "I can handle it" attitude. Even if you have been hurt much worse on an athletic playing field, that is not the same thing as being physically attacked by your intimate partner, which hurts emotionally as well as physically. Allowing this pattern to continue can result in depression, substance abuse, loss of confidence, even suicide. (At its worst, it has resulted in the death at the hands of a partner or someone induced to kill by the partner).

"Men Don't Tell"

This is the actual title of a fact-based ABC TV movie about male victims of domestic abuse. Keeping silent (not confiding to a friend, relative or professional) is a common reaction of both male and female victims of domestic abuse; it's embarrassing. Men typically face a greater degree of disbelief and ridicule than do most women in this situation, which helps enforce the silence. Domestic violence victims make excuses for injuries that show ("it was an accident" or "it happened while playing sports") when friends or medical personnel ask about them.

Hiding from it. Men often escape a bad home life that they are afraid of by spending extra time at work, staying in "their" space (garage, den) at home, or even sleeping in the car or at a friend's place.

Fear of failure.

Men have been told that to be "a man" they must be responsible providers. If they leave the family, they are abandoning responsibility and see themselves as failing to do what a man is "supposed" to do.

Fear for the children.

Many men stay in abusive situations because they feel they can act as protector and keep the children from being abused. They fear leaving because they assume the legal system will not give them custody because they are men, and that visitation in the hands of a controlling spouse will never be easy (or that they may never see their children again).

Few resources.

There are 24-hour crisis lines and shelters available for female victims of domestic violence, but few such services exist for men. Sometimes abused men call the advertised services but find there is no help available, or are even treated rudely. Sometimes men call the police, but even if they are the only party with observed injuries, they (not the abuser) are told to leave the house. Increasingly, however, crisis lines, shelters and police are very helpful.

Never be provoked into retaliation with physical or verbal abuse.

Always seek medical help for injuries. Talk to your doctor about your health. If you are seeing a mental health professional, talk about your domestic violence concerns (they may not ask). Even some counselors believe only women can be victims.

Keep a record.

Record dates and times of incidents and keep copies of medical records and police reports. Seek legal advice.

Call the police.

Insist that they record your injuries and take a report, that it is recorded accurately, and that they make an arrest if appropriate.

Don't keep silent.

Seek out counseling for yourself; contact government domestic violence and victim advocate offices where available; check with crisis lines; tell a friend.

Plan for the worst.

Have a safe, secret place to go, and have emergency money ready.

Recognize that it happens to other men as well.

You are not alone. You may have to put on your "male hero hat", though, and make an effort to find others. You can even start your own support group with the help of a concerned mental health professional. Don't be afraid to ask for help from others; doing so is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength.